It’s almost 10 years since I have been associated with the Shalom ministry. When I look back and compare how much I knew God before my association with Shalom and the present, I must say that every day I am drawing closer to God almighty. He is leading me to the perfection that He intends and preparing me to enter into the eternal life that He has promised.

One might think that life would be a smooth sailing once you know God and become part of salvation. Indeed, it is smooth sailing but not in the way we expect it to be. Trials and afflictions are unavoidable, but even in the midst of all these trials, we experience inner peace and the sense of a strong security that the Lord almighty provides. As the word of God says: “My son, when you come to serve the LORD, prepare yourself for trials” (Sirach 2:1).

Very recently, my family went through devastating experiences. My wife was first diagnosed with cancer when a swelling in her lymph node was identified but which later turned out to be non-cancerous. Even to date, doctors are unable to determine what caused this prolonged swelling and growth. This growth subsided and vanished in a few months. A short time later, my mom who was visiting me in Canada passed away due to heart attack. She was 64 years old. And just when my family was recovering from this loss, we were hit by another devastation. Our three-and-half year old daughter, Madeleine, had a seizure one Sunday afternoon and the next day she was diagnosed with advanced stage brain tumor. Within a week, God called her back too.

From a human understanding, we might think and question God: why so many unbearable trials in such a short span of time? Did God abandon us? Why is He not answering my prayers? I had the same questions in my mind. But when I look back at all these trials, I can see God was working through me and leading me amid the darkness. As Psalm 23:4 says– “Even when I walk through a dark valley, I fear no harm for you are at my side; your rod and staff give me courage”. I may never fully comprehend the purpose of God behind these trials, but I strongly believe that it is according to His plan and His will. And in this process, He is drawing me closer to Him. When my wife went through the false diagnosis of cancer, we truly experienced what a family goes through when a member suffers from cancer. It helped us to understand the true value of life and the importance of family. In the second incident when my mom passed away, we felt like she was prepared to leave. Almost ten years ago when she suffered from severe stroke and was fully paralyzed, I prayed to God to give her at least ten more years so that she can see all her children married and living independently. She recovered from paralysis and regained 80-90% mobility back then. Fast forward ten years and God called her back.

My daughter’s death was a devastating one as we never anticipated it. When she had her first seizure, the unimaginable and unacceptable thought of losing her came to my mind but I was very confident that God would never let that happen. She recovered from her first seizure but next day I felt that God really abandoned us. Things changed dramatically and within a few hours everything in our life changed. She lost her consciousness, her breathing was supported by ventilator, and was taken for an emergency surgery. After her surgery we kept praying intensely for her to show some sign of regaining consciousness, but she didn’t. My heart was completely broken. My faith was shaken and I felt in my heart—why is God doing this to me?

I felt the pain Jesus felt in the Garden of Gethsemane As I was praying intensely, God revealed something to me. Sitting beside my unconscious daughter hooked up to ventilator support, the doctors having given up hope for any recovery, I felt the pain Jesus felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. My heart was praying the same way Jesus did. “Lord I do not know your purpose behind this, but whatever you want to achieve, can it be done without taking my daughter’s life”? I felt the same pain and agony that Jesus felt asking the Father to take His cup away from Him (Luke 22:42). But in the next moment, I was reminded how Jesus surrendered himself to Father: “yet not my will, but yours be done”. I had no choice but to surrender myself to the Lord’s will.

Being a mother, my wife probably would have felt twice the pain that I had. She was completely torn apart and even started questioning God’s existence. I reminded my wife that if we don’t have faith in God, then there is nothing else to hold on to. The very fact that we are undergoing these trials shows the existence of God. We can let our lives be destroyed and become miserable in this pain by denying God’s existence, or have faith in Him and understand that it is according to His purpose. Believing in Him gives us a hope to see our child in eternal life.

We decided not to stop praying until He performs a miracle. Determined to have a response from God, both my wife and I started praying continuously in loud voice beside her bed. We prayed the prayer written by Fr. Xavier Khan—“The power in the name of Jesus”. We wanted Jesus to perform a miracle and with that determination we decided not to stop praying until He performs a miracle. We intensified our prayer and started praising loudly. Suddenly, we saw our daughter turning red, with tears coming out of her eyes and a sense of deep peace. After a few minutes, she stopped breathing completely and the doctor declared her dead.

My wife could not take it and she became still for some moments. Then suddenly she fainted but her eyes were wide open without any response. When she regained her consciousness after a few minutes, she explained what she saw in those moments of unconsciousness: Our daughter Madeleine was walking behind Jesus and they were climbing stairs. My wife tried to call her back, but she wouldn’t respond and kept following Jesus. She could clearly see the beautiful feet of Jesus. She pleaded with Jesus not to take her away because she had not yet received Holy Communion. Then she saw Jesus giving her Holy Communion with His own hand. The colors she saw in this vision were quite dazzling and could not be compared with any color on earth. Knowing my wife for so long, I can confidently say that without this vision, my wife would not have had the courage and strength to withstand such a devastating situation. When I look back, I can clearly see how God was working in my wife’s life. Just two weeks prior to this incident, she had attended a Shalom Retreat (Unite) at Mc Allen, TX. This retreat deepened her faith and prepared her to withstand God’s plan. She admits that this was her first intense retreat and God indeed prepared her to face this situation. All we are asked from God is to trust in Him.

God works in mysterious ways which our human minds cannot comprehend. When we undergo trials, we may not understand His purpose, and probably never will. But all we are asked from God is to trust in Him and give ourselves to Him. God gives us strength and courage to go through every situation when we put our trust in Him. We had thought of having only three children in our family. But after our second daughter passed away, God blessed us with a fourth child—baby boy Matthias. Sometimes we think that our daughter made way for our son. Shalom has played a key role in our life deepening our faith through retreats, prayers, helping attitude from shalom family members and learning from their strong faith. Throughout our trials, Shalom family members were always beside us and helping us in all possible ways. We received prayers from Shalom members around the world. May the Holy Spirit continue to drive this ministry and be the source of healing for the broken hearted and hope for the hopeless.

Remembering the verses from the book of Isaiah (61:1-3) we pray: Lord God, send forth your spirit and anoint us, send us to bring glad tidings to the lowly, to heal the brokenhearted, proclaim liberty to captives, to comfort all who mourn. Make us your “Oaks of Justice” planted by you to proclaim your glory.